The Introvert | a poem

Comin’ out of my cage and I’ve been doin’ just fine. fine… fine. okay, so that’s a lie. I’ve been coming out of my cage and I’ve been feeling just… well can’t complain cause I’ve gotta a brain, life ain’t easy, ya know. I just don’t want that to show.  call it my nature, emotional erasure. I am quite, reserved, polite. I know it’s trite but that’s me. not the “me” I always wanted to be. but it’s a “me” I can agree to be.

the opposite of out is in. inside I’m me. inside I’m free. inside I can be who and what I wanna be. I let you in because the club is exclusive, why? because I’m elusive. freedom is more than words, I trapped myself. kept my heart on a shelf. dusted it. kept it in good condition, my life’s mission. safe isn’t always the best they say, and I’m like “hey, getting it broken is a waste” so my distaste dictated how I should be.

today I dusted off the cobwebs and dropped it on the floor, shattering everything that I adore. alone, on my own with a broken heart. picking up the pieces I held dear, I felt trapped in fear. what I didn’t want did. no matter what I did. life’s about pain, self-inflicted or not. now I lost all that I got. so I left the room, my old tomb. for something more, I opened that door.

now what?

step outside. yes, no, I don’t wanna go, how about I just open the window instead? it’s not like I’m dead. not today at least. outside is a beast.  what I want is to heal to love and to feel like me. fear is supposed to be a motivator why then does it feel like a manipulator? stuck on this carousel of my own hell. no, hell is a strong word, a bit absurd. it just feels like I could excel if I didn’t dwell on these thoughts i”ve been having. deep inside I still wanna hide. maybe that’s me. who I’m meant to be.

a door doest let out but in. a win-win. so what is a locked door? the art of saying no more?  maybe safe made me sorry. maybe alone made be prone to sadness evermore. so now what’s the score: me 0, the world 1. I think I’m done. but yet I persist and clench my fist. call it a day, I wanna say but nay. I’m here I won’t disappear. and if you want to talk I’ll lend an ear.

I’d rather be deep than shallow. I’d rather be a vast ocean of complexity than a kiddie pool of vapidity, yeah I hide in my own mind, but my thoughts are mine. if I am willing to share that’s fine. don’t poke and prod that’s not genuine it’s just fraud. I’ll never be loud, and I hate a crowd. it’s not that i’m lonely I just won’t engage a total stranger. it’s emotional danger, for my fragile feelings. after all, my heart is still healing. turns out it wasn’t made of glass after all.

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