So right now I’m in a stable holding pattern while I wait for my real life to begin. okay, so that’s a lie. my real life started when I was born and every mistake, every pitfall, misstep, and detour are real actions. the only unreal thing about them is that I don’t consider them as a part of my actual life.
now despite all my side projects (or possibly because of them), I’m not moving on an upward trajectory but more in a lateral sense. I have a stable home, I’m relatively healthy, I have financial means, and am able to create and express myself (like what I’m doing now.) according to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs I’m self-actualizing, and to some extent that may be true, but emotionally and professionally I feel as though I’m decompensating. this leads me to ask myself various questions of self-reflection chiefly “what am I going to do with my life?” and to that question, I really have no answer. I know what I like, I know what I want, but the “how” and the way the strings connect, that eludes me. so lemme break down what the strings are they get more tangled in my mind.
- I see myself making films for a living. so if I were to follow my dreams and passions it would lead me to filmmaking. a job that seems a bit on the hipster side of things and is very in the now. I don’t entirely see why because mainstream media is failing, however maybe I could integrate it into the YouTube stuff I do and maybe Casey Neistat it up. an idea that appeals to me, but doesn’t grip me with this intense sort of passion that keeps me awake at night. it’s more like I can see myself happy doing that.
- I want to be successful at something, but I am a bit of a multitasker. so this one is my biggest flaw. my mom wasn’t very rigid when it came to extracurriculars. she wasn’t particularly interested in keeping me consistent in much of anything. don’t get me wrong she taught me to roll with the punches and I think that made me a very adaptable person but not a particularly consistent one. I was constantly trying to find my passion. whether it was Film, art, photography, music, or dance (yes at one point in my life I was very into hip-hop dancing, #NOJUDGING) so growing up I learned to be good at several skills at once but mastered no of them in full.
- I like to be creative. so I may have mentioned this before but I am a big fan of art. creating it, evaluating it, and enjoying it. I’m very into the pop surrealism thing that has been going on in this current age and I am also a big fan of the art of Roy Lichtenstein, Andy Warhol, and Andrea Zittel. in high school, I was always hanging out in the art room and was both an AP art student and a TA for my art Teacher. now as much as I love my oil Pastels and Paintings, I do love art in multiple forms.
- I want to make art for a living. I guess I must be a bit of an exhibitionist because making something puts a piece of me on display and I like that. now surprising to no one this last one is the biggest one that ties into what I want to do. what I need to do. what I’m driven to do is create something beautiful. something bigger than myself. something meaningful. it gives me this unfathomable joy and fills my soul with light and warmth.
now as much as I can narrow down my hopes dreams and desires I can also define all of my flaws as well.
- I’m disorganized. I say this in the most Non-self-depreciating manner but I’m a total and complete mess
- I’m distracted, constantly. is there a fidget spinner for my brain? cuz I could really use one. I start each day looking up youtube videos while listening to podcasts and writing down ideas in my notebooks. I can never narrow down what I want to do and when I do it requires serious amounts of distraction.
- I take on a shitload of tasks. so I do all the things and I love it but if I want to get good at something I need a singular focus which for me is hard. you see I run a group, I organize and volunteer for charity events, I speak at events, I run a youtube (not well mind you, but still), and then there is this blog as a side project of mine.
- I’m not exactly qualified. this ties into the Jack of all trades stuff that I normally do. I can barely finish a sentence let alone a blog post. what I do is try to finish as many things as possible all at once. I know I’m no expert, but I do try and that’s what counts… right?
- I may be too old for this shit. so there may be plenty of you who say “27 is not that old!” or rather “you can do anything you set your mind to!” or some overtly positive BS that we have all been force-fed since birth, but there is more freedom in accepting reality. by accepting I’m too old for this I can move on to something else, something better suited for me.
now that we know a few of the hindrances to my progress what’s a young, educated twenty-something (soon to be thirty-something) to do? they way I see it I have essentially two options: Steer into the Skid (create active change in my life) or Ride it Out (continue on this non-exciting lateral path in my life until something better comes along, if ever). now I want to point out that there is something to be said about stability. it’s important to note that stability has given mankind many advantages to becoming a successful species. stability is also underrated in its ability to keep organisms alive. however I will not that the organism that does not adapt dies.
So, what will I do with my life? honestly, I don’t know but typing it out has helped my mental health significantly. if you are struggling with what you want to do in your life I think that’s okay. in fact this may be a normal thing. don’t be insecure about it, trust me I’ve been insecure about almost everything, it just causes a lot of unnecessary stress. you just need to be you and the right answer will come, eventually… hopefully. anyways if you liked today’s blog post then check out my page there is a bunch of awesome stuff on there that I hope you’ll be dying to read. not literally dying though, I’m not a sociopath. anyways have an awesome day.